You're running down the street trying to make it to the grocery store before it
closes everyone's looking right at your eye you from head to toe some people are tripping over the sidewalk and bumping into each other a car rams into a fire hydrant but no one even bats an eye a dog gives you a mean look and snarls
at you with each step, you take every single piece of armor rattles and clanks like a
rusty cog in a machine you walk into the grocery store and all
the metal detectors go wild
everyone looks at you with a question
marks bobbling around their heads you
walk over to the dairy aisle
and find the milk you've been craving
right on the top shelf, you try to reach
up but it's a struggle
every piece of metal around your body
hits all the items on the shelves
they topple over and spill all over the
ground one of the clerks looks at you
he doesn't look too happy about cleaning
up the mess, you made so being the good
and the noble person you are
you grab a mop and go to town but your
clunky arms knock down even more things
that's your cue to slowly walk away
trying not to make eye contact with
anyone
medieval armor was worn for protection
we've seen it in movie after movie
how they walk around or ride horses all
while wearing tons of metal plates all
over themselves
it seems like it would be almost
impossible to move let alone do anything
physical
an entire suit of armor weighs on
average between 45 and 55 pounds
add a helmet to that and you're looking
at an extra 5 to 10 pounds
what's most surprising this whole getup
weighs less than a firefighter suit with
a full oxygen tank
ah the fruits and veggies section
there's no way you're going to knock
down
anything ah spoke too soon
that same clerk shows up and gives you
another nasty look
you grab everything you need and head to
the counter to pick the cashier is
alarmed and is about to call for help, and she's really surprised when you grab
a small pouch and start pulling out gold
coins
you and the cashier get into a small
the argument about what currency is being
used in today's economy
but you don't even know what an economy
is after a bunch of haggling
you pay and head back outside more
people keep staring at you
everyone's got their phone out just
snapping away your chain mail gets
caught on a lamppost
and you have to tug it off chains mail
armor is made of hundreds of small
interlinking iron rings held together to
create a flexible and hopefully
comfortable metal shirt it was made
specifically to fit well
and protect almost every single part of
the human body making these things
wasn't easy
more than a thousand years ago
blacksmiths needed countless hours to
fuse those tiny metal links
every single one had to be perfect
besides crafting a bodysuit out of
chain mail
blacksmiths also made hooded coats
gloves shoes and trousers to cover the
body even more
all except for the face the armor came
with a kind of leather coat which went
all the way down past the knees
it offered even more protection and on
the forearms people wore metallic
mittens which went over a thick leather
gloves
myth-busting time knights in armor
didn't need a crane to hoist themselves
onto their horse
they were able to climb on pretty easily
without any assistance
firefighters can scale ladders in full
gear so getting on a horse isn't any
different
you need to walk to the nearest bus stop
to catch a ride home while you're
waiting
everyone continues to stare at you but
you can barely see them anyway so no big
deal
medieval knights had their whole face
covered except for a thin horizontal
the line to see through
turning your head to the sides wasn't
something you would do for fun
the bus arrives and you climb on the
the driver looks at you puzzled
and probably an actor researching a new
rule
as soon as you arrive at your
the destination you get off and walk
uphill a few centuries after chain mail
came out
knights got themselves a new fashion
upgrade steel plates were basically extra strips
of metal that covered each part of the
body
connected by movable rivets and leather
straps you'd be able to do jumping jacks
in full armor
once it's all on it kind of looks like
fish scales each plate mounted on top of
another
this would add a lot of extra weight
imagine walking around with 20 pounds of
metal strapped to each leg
so much for skipping leg day it's a good
the thing you left all your steel plate
armor at the dry cleaners or rather
at the blacksmiths even without it
walking uphill isn't exactly a walk-in
the park
a group of elderly people is walking
faster than you reach the top dripping with sweat
you're not exactly looking forward to
taking this stuff
off after a few more blocks, you'll reach
your apartment
you live on the 8th-floor walk-up with
each step you take
you feel your leg muscles getting bigger
and bigger they're about to pop out of
your armor
you finally squeeze through the front
door and set your groceries down
now getting out of the armor is going to
be a bit tricky in the old day's squires
and assistance helped remove a knight's
armor
but not you just have your dog
merlin watching your tail wagging away
you fetch your trusty barrel filled with
sand and vinegar once you strip off the
the armor you throw it all inside and swish
it around
DIY laundry done it'll be dry by
tomorrow
putting on armor every single day is a
huge hassle but it had to be done in
ancient times and in all kinds of
weather
on hot summer days, the steel would feel
roasting hot and in the pouring rain
the armor would feel heavier than ever
you think wearing black armor was
annoying
imagine doing it nowadays you're at a
concert trying to enjoy the band
you go to the lobby to grab some drinks
and when you turn around
you see an ocean of people between you
and your seats you're holding two cups
of soda how are you going to make it all
the way to the front row
you scratch and scrape everyone as you
walk past and just like every other day
everyone's staring at you the music
starts but no one's looking at the band
they're looking at the medieval disco
ball dancing in the front row you try to
get your groove on while having all that
steel all over your body but it's just
well it's hilarious as if your movements
didn't look ridiculous enough
after a few songs, your armor starts
squeaking and scraping against itself
it's making even more noise than the
band
now you're at the mall facing obstacles
in every store, you try to get in an
elevator
but you're too bulky and no one wants to
be standing side by side with someone
with
sharp pointy armor to cap it all off
your metal covered fingers are too thick
to press the buttons
you take the escalator instead and head
over to check out the food court
eating isn't going to be a problem all
you have to do is remove your helmet and
your face is free
but you won't go unnoticed a knight
cramming a burger down his throat
awesome you end up standing up because
you don't fit into that tiny food court
chairs
great going to the gym would be a waste
of time wearing
putting on and taking off armor is
already a great workout
bench press forget it once you laid down
on the bench, you'd never be able to get
back up

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